Some thoughts on knowing God

Over the last few months I have pondered the question of how I know God. God, incredibly and crazily invites us to know Him, its part of why He made us. Our God who flung the stars into outer space and knows the detail of every microscopic everything ever, wants me to know Him. Awesome beyond rational comprehension! He has laid this before us and invited us to be His friend.

On paper I have good ‘knowing God’ qualifications, I have been a Christian for over 25 years (Oh flip!), have a Masters in Theology, have always worked hard and been busy for God, am not really very naughty and am a Vicar’s wife. I sound like Paul explaining why he was such a fab Pharisee. Oh, it’s easy to be blinded! You see, we can look right on the outside but still not get around to really knowing God.

A few months ago I went on a Catch the Fire conference to hear Isabel Allum speak. She is a woman who knows God. Suddenly for the first time I felt like I was with someone who really knew God, who was really friends with Jesus. You know, properly friends, not just saying it, real hanging out together friends. And honestly, the coolest miracles come with being friends with Jesus, it’s just His style. Isabel’s experience of knowing God opened my eyes to a whole new realm of relationship with Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It made me wonder how many real friends God has. And I realised I had a long way to go…

Unfortunately, by nature I’m pretty hard on myself. I see bad stuff in myself all the time, it is my default position. It’s a bit frustrating to be honest, but the enemy knows what he is doing, he knows how to get to me. However, I have, over the last few years learnt some of his slimy ways, his tricks for turning me from the truth. I am grateful for this because now I recognise him I can boot him out quicker, less painfully and with more strength. Hurray for that! Honestly, giving into the Devil is such a waste of time! (And really, if there is one thing I can’t stand, its wasting time (said the Martha in me (perhaps here lieith the problem?)). However, some days I feel I recognise the ways of the enemy more than I recognise God’s loving ways. I’m not at all saying God isn’t there or doing His thing, I’m just not recognising Him in the way that I might.

God has promised that He will always be with us. A wonderful truth. He is with me right now. I don’t feel Him particularly, but I believe it. To be honest, reminding myself of that truth is enough to make me stop right now and worship, and to ask Him again to help me with this. And yes, when I stop and engage with him, His closeness becomes more obvious. Trouble is, you can be with someone in a room and not engage with them at all. Like a marriage, it takes an effort to connect properly. You can be right with them, but you still have to choose to get to know them, their heart, who they really are. You have to look at each other, stop what you are doing and chat, share heart to heart, study them over time, be real and honest together. You reap what you sow. If you want to know and love God you need to sow into your relationship with Him, and really make it about a relationship rather than just a learning and doing process. Sometimes I can feel too busy for that, but without it everything else is probably missing the point. When I say too busy, I don’t really think that is a good excuse. We always make time for what is most precious to us, although sometimes that has to involve some reflection and doing life a bit differently. To be honest, life will always be busy, and I can’t afford to do any of it without Him!

While knowing about God isn’t really quite the same as knowing God, it is of course helpful for us to study who God is through studying His word. After three babies, and not enough sleep for a gazzilion years (mainly my own fault, I confess, just have more pressing things to do than sleep!), I have the most awful memory. It’s a problem for me because I just really struggle to remember scripture, I can do a detailed study of something and by day 3 I have forgotten all about it. I asked the Lord the other day to help me with this. He said, really rather quickly, to go to bed a 10pm. Oh. That. Is. No. Fun. I guess it means an ongoing 10pm, rather than just a one off. Oh. I imagine my life descending quickly into disorganised chaos because so much ‘making life work’ stuff happens after 10pm, and any scraps of ‘me’ time have to be relegated to happening while asleep. God is bigger than me though, and knows me thoroughly, so I’ll choose to trust Him on this. (Ok, must go…9:46pm, I am trying to be obedient!)

…Ok, back again! What I was going to say before being obedient was… knowing scripture so helps in knowing God, it isn’t really knowing God, but we know who we are looking out for, who we are having a relationship with, what His ways are, how we might please Him, or offend Him. How much He loves us, just for being who we are. Without Scripture we might find ourselves worshipping in the wrong direction, or confused about why our God isn’t being who He we think He should be. Knowing Scripture helps us learn what God’s voice sounds like, and to me, that seems key in knowing God. Being able to hear God’s voice seems key to knowing Him. We can’t have a proper relationship with someone whose voice we do not recognise. I struggle with this, it is my tussle. Sometimes I feel as though I just don’t hear, or hope to hear in ways that I don’t. I hear His voice through the bible, and sometimes I just go with hoping I have heard His voice in my inner conscience (like the going to bed at 10pm thing), and see what happens. I know God speaks like this, but I’ve been wrong about it so many times, it makes the journey slow. Other times I reflect and think I have heard, but realised it was probably God too late. Like recently, while on holiday, I felt I should text a friend about not letting my chickens out that day. I didn’t get around to it, and they got ‘got’ that evening. My knowing God is growing, but He must be a bit frustrated about my ‘hit and miss’ hearing of Him; so am I! “Lord help me remember your word, help me recognise your voice”.

“Be still and know that I am God”. I’m a bit anti stuff at the moment. God spoke to me recently about not storing up treasures on earth, and it has caused me to begin a journey of de-cluttering and clearing space, making space for Jesus. I don’t sit down easily, and my junk has distracted me and eroded quality time, kept me busy doing nothing; stuff just does. So, bit by bit it needs to go. My kitchen has changed in the past few days, I have cleared surfaces, found hidden homes for everything I need, and sent to the charity shop everything that I don’t. It has cleared my mental space no end, and I can feel my airways so much more open to God, so much ‘stiller’. My kitchen can be a place I can experience God more easily now. I need to know God in my kitchen because I spend quite a lot of time there, doing what God has called me to do. When I am not in the moment of sitting and shutting my eyes to be still, being in a non chaotic environment really helps me connect with Him.

Being still physically and taking specific time out, every day, if not more than once a day is also a must. I find reading the Bible with a pen ready to underline and make comments really helpful, journaling helps my wandering mind focus so much better and I so often hear His sweet whisper when I do this. Having a heart open to Him, forgiving everyone I need to, trying to be a disciple rather than just a believer, listening to worship music as often as I can, reminding me of who God is and His truth to us. All these things put me in a place for knowing my God better. When I think about it, it is the most fundamental thing in life, and it worthy of everything I can give it.

I must remember that I am their teacher

It has occurred to me recently that I have forgotten what an important role I have as a teacher in my children's lives. The role of caring both practically and emotionally remains fairly obvious to me, but that of teacher somehow slips fairly easily out of view. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get exasperated with my children for not being exactly how I want them to be. I somehow expect them to just 'get' things that I no longer have to think much about because at some point they became a habit. Today my middle poppet had a friend around to play. I was getting rather frustrated that she wasn't engaging properly with her friend, making sure that her friend was doing something that she enjoyed and that she was feeling welcome (surely watching the telly is not an ideal playdate!). I then realised that I hadn't actually talked to her about the importance of making people feel welcome and how to be hospitable.  Or even how to be a good friend. It needs to be part of my role to teach her such things, I can't just blame her for not getting it!

Each of our children, with their different personalities, will find some things easier than others. I can see that my boy (2) has a more natural 'tidy gene' than my older poppets. It will still need to be nurtured, but I think order will come more easily to him, its just who he is. Some children seem to just 'get' habits and routines, others just don't. I remember being genuinely amazed when a little girl who was having a sleepover asked if she could brush her teeth. She asked all by herself! "Wow, I didn't know that sort of thing happened!" I thought to myself. I however am still working on the old toilet flushing thing. When I say 'I', I obviously mean teaching my children to form the habit. The Vicarage has a lot of folk coming in and out, its kind of important to me that they get this habit. (Confession: meeting currently going on in lounge, just did quick reckie of loo, all fine, phew!).  I know I have told them a zillion times, about a zillion different things (washing hands, tidying bedroom, table manners, not sucking thumb/hair/clothes etc etc, not dawdling and time wasting, doing homework... the list could go on!) that they have to do or stop doing, and I can be known to get rather frustrated about it, but perhaps I have forgotten to talk to them about the why of things ( when I do this I might even realise that somethings aren't actually as important as I thought!!). Perhaps my teaching methods (verbally repeat repeat repeat! Blow up and hit roof occasionally!) are missing the mark and I need to stop and think a bit more creatively about how to engage with them. Perhaps I need to understand their perspective a bit more ( how will they know they have to hurry up because we are late, if they can't read the time... I'll need to teach them the time then!)

Somehow I need to take this aspect of my parenting role more seriously because there is a lot I need to teach my kids that I can't leave to chance, and that a lot of the world would want to teach differently. Particularly important to me is what they are learning spiritually. I love what my kids are learning at children's church and church clubs, it is  immensely valuable and I am so grateful for it. However, I cannot consider it job done, because the main role is mine (alongside the Vicar). We are their primary spiritual teachers. We need to be talking to them about who God is, how to relate to Him, teaching them how to read the bible and pray. Helping them create habits that will draw them closer to God who loves them. Teaching them how to be a disciple and live it. Our lives need to reflect and model everything we value to them. And so does our speech, how we honour others, how we forgive and love. I live in my head a lot, my head is always busy and I can quite easily forget to speak. I need to remember that explaining my actions might help them to see that my faith affects my behaviour.  To let them know that I am praying about this or that, and getting them to join me. Mainly my 'sit down' times of prayer and bible study happen when they are asleep, early in the morning ( it is hard to preempt them though to be honest!) or in the evening. They don't really see me read the bible much. They don't really see that I have a habit that is important to me. Perhaps I need to make it  more obvious to them.

Today my middle poppet was relieved to find a favourite cassette tape she thought she had lost. She said to me ' I need to keep my desk tidy because then I wouldn't loose my tapes' ( a Hallelujah moment!). Ahhh, yes, a small step in the right direction. Parenting is a long slow process, but little steps of progress can be seen, especially if we look for them. I need to be more ok with that. And I need to remember that I am their teacher (among many other roles!), they were born needing to be taught, and that is part of the role God has given me.

What are you dreaming about?

A couple of days ago I took some time to write down my dreams. I had been watching a DVD that was teaching on how God wants us to fulfil our dreams. I have to confess that slightly stretches my understanding of God's plan for our lives, which I have always taken to be rather serious, with not a lot of fun thrown in. This understanding of God rather reflects my own personality, I can be rather functional and serious about things! So, I'm in the process of trying to figure out more of God's personality. I keep being surprised by phrases like "He will take great delight in you". As a mother, I know what it is to really delight in my child, and it, has so much positive emotion in it. We are to "Be joyful always", surely that shouldn't always be serious! I have read these verses many times before but through my rather serious mindset, and I somehow dismissed the emotion that goes with them. I find it much easier to latch onto words like 'sacrifice' and 'die to self'. They're all in Scripture, so I must continue my exploration of understanding who God is. He is much more beyond my understanding than I can comprehend, phew for that!

Anyway, the challenge was to write down 100 dreams, so I thought I would give it a go. I put aside my concerns that my dreams might not be from God, thinking that He would help me fulfil the ones He had in mind for me, and started writing. "Are these in order of importance?" the Vicar asked later (No.3 - to have a flat stomach. No. 5 - to see my children really loving God) "Er, no, they're just coming as they are coming".

Quickly I realised that I was going to struggle to find 100 dreams, I was chewing my pencil end after number 13! Perhaps this stage of my life has done this for me, so responsible for others, my life fitted around their's to the point there is not much time to dream just for me. I'm ok with that, it is the time of life. But the Lord says "without a vision the people perish", so it is wise to try to keep dreaming. I'm currently up to 25 dreams written down. I love the fact that I have to have a good old ponder and find a few more, to search my depths and discover more of who I am. There is something about the act of writing them down that brings them to life, and makes me take them more seriously (there I go again, so serious! Nb. dream No. 18 is to laugh a lot!). Mainly, its up to me to get on and do them. Lots of them are attainable if I put my head to it, some of them easily so (No. 8 - to walk regularly in the forest), others will take a bit more work (No. 9 - to run a half marathon), some will require a bit more God intervention (No. 2 - to be able to sing again. I love to worship, but woe be tide the person standing next to me. My voice packed up after my third pregnancy, can't even lead the playgroup singing any more, and I used to sing in a worship band years ago, honestly, its embarrassing!). I have no dreams about owning a big house (I'm blessed to live in one already though!) or cottages by the sea (I have a caravan, and can't imagine being happier in anything else, I get to change the view, sooo cool! I really love my caravan!). I don't dream about owning more material stuff, although I do have a few dreams about getting rid of stacks of clutter (although if I'm honest I would love a big blackboard for my kitchen, and my Christmas list is carefully taking shape, so I'm definitely not without my material desires, h'mm, actually No. 26 - huge blackboard for the kitchen, No. 27 - some Cath Kidston tea spoons, soo cute!). Lots of my dreams are to do with the dearest people in my life, the Vicar and my children, to be really unified and connected. I love that. I love them. I dream about knowing God more, and being a better friend. Some are about what I feel God has called me to, to connect the church with the community, I need to keep dreaming about those, because my time is coming.

My dreams reflect a lot of who I am, my values and priorities. Writing them down and has made me remember them, and reminded me to seize the day ( I went for a run this morning, you won't have seen me, I only go when there is no one around!). I still have 73 dreams to think about, so I'm going to take a lovely hot bath ( the best place to dream I find, and the Vicar often hears from God in the bath, something about being still me thinks), humbly offer my dreaming to God and have a good old dream. I want a few more impossible dreams, because nothing is impossible with God, and a few more fun ones, just for, well, fun! And you, what are you dreaming about?

Thanks for reading!

If you would like to, please sign up to follow me by email, and share this post with your FB friends.

My current top three household tips

A couple of weeks ago I had a small but significant revelation. I was lying in bed, doing a bit of pre-sleep internet surfing, checking out some new blogs, when I came across a tip about having clear flat surfaces to enhance simplicity in one's life. I'm fascinated and drawn to simplicity in our complex world. It was a simple and understated tip...'clear your surfaces and leave a few nice looking bits out, plants work well'. I immediately saw the potential and being a woman who likes to get on with things, got up, donned dressing gown and headed for the kitchen. Two hours and well passed midnight later I felt like I was in a different room. A peace had descended, my kitchen had become a pleasant place to be. Gone were the piles of old mail, gone were the random things that just don't live in the kitchen at all ("Plastic ducks, why have you sat there for so long? Swim along! Hammer balanced on the spice rack, goeth home! Dead plant, compost in the composter!"). I rearranged, flung in the bin (ugly useless things mainly, I was stunned how many had taken up residence in my kitchen!), hid previously public things in private spaces, and cleared my surfaces. I strategically placed a few pretty things and the odd orchid. Lovely! The effect was significant immediately, but most fascinating to me is that it has lasted. It is sooo much easier to put things away when there isn't a pile of stuff it could join. I seem to clear up so much easier both while cooking and after meals, everything seems to take less time. Cleaning is much much easier, and far less intimidation. My head is clearer, and I find myself less stressed in the kitchen. Marvellous! Without really saying anything my family all seem to find it easier too. Clutter seems to breed clutter, and confusion, and stress. Honestly, clear surfaces are great, I highly recommend them. I'm slowly working my way through the house. I'm so into less being more! Costs nothing too! So, that is my current top household tip.

My next tip is everything needs a home. Everything. This is not really a 'done in an afternoon' type of job, more like months, but a bit can be done now and again and the benefits soon appear. If something has a home it is easy to put away, you don't have to think about it, you can just put it there. Hopefully, so can everyone else (I know, this is where the tip is possibly flawed!). You will also know where to find it again, saving much precious time and frustration. It might even mean that you and your family don't miss a plane, or a train, or a party. And it might save a few arguments. It has to be worth it. I find all sorts of containers help the process along, they make brilliant homes, defining space and preventing cross contamination. If they are pretty so much the better! This is also a money saving tip. If you know where something is, you will know quickly whether you have enough of it, or whether you have to buy more. How many times have I spent ages looking for sellotape, couldn't find any, bought more, found the sellotape I couldn't find when I came home, and now I own loads I don't really need. Obviously, this could also apply to expensive items, meaning it could cost you lots of unnecessary money! Anyone lost a passport and had to pay for a new one?

My final fave tip, is the 15 minute tip. I can do (almost) anything for 15 minutes. This is a great way of getting particularly dull stuff or stuff I'm resisting doing done. It is a manageable amount of time, not intimidating, but not insignificant. I choose my task, set my timer and get to work, knowing the timer will ring shortly. Because I am up against the timer I am focused and work hard. The timer goes off and I stop. If I haven't finished I can do another 15 minute slot later. I am always amazed at what can be achieved in 15 minutes.

Really I love these tips because they are about making life simpler. I don't want my focus to be on my home and my stuff and my cleaning, they are so not the point but I find they can demand more of my time than I am wanting to give. These tips are about lessening the demands on us from these things, and so creating more time and emotional space for us to be who God created us to be and do what He created us to do.

I would love to hear your top tips, please do share!

Thanks for reading! If you have enjoyed this post, please subscribe to follow me by email, and share this post with your FB friends.

Choosing Thankfulness!

Today I was faced with a job most horrid. I had been building up to it for several days, and today was the day. It was the second time in a week I was giving the chicken coop a good scrub. Last weeks scrub wasn't enough. A tactical six days on it was time to do it again. You see, my poor 'girls' are living with red mite, horrid minuscule blood sucking mites. They're not going to kill them, (unless they really get out of control) but they make life pretty irritating. Anyway, red mite eggs hatch after six-seven days, so to try and take control you have to do the cleaning again after that period. Having done a bit of reading since last week I realised I probably wasn't thorough enough last week either, not going into every nook and cranny; so really today's effort counts as clean number one, rather than two, ho hum. And this one had to be a whole lot more up close and personal with those red mites than last week.

So, I spent the best part of the afternoon with my head practically in the hen house, and scrubbed places never scrubbed before, right up in the rafters where the spiders and earwigs live in amongst a forest of cobwebs, and a zillion tiny red mite, some fat and bloated from last nights dinner and some pale and grey, hungry. As I brushed and cleaned they fell all over me, and soon I'm feeling as itchy as an itchy thing. Cleaning out chicken poo I can deal with, but the itchiness and those little things running all over me, is another matter. I'm not happy. This is not a pleasant Saturday afternoon activity.

The new chooks, Sarah, Felicity and Jeekin

Realising that grumpiness was not going to make the job any quicker, I decided to try and think of things to be thankful about instead. After all, we are supposed to be thankful in all circumstances, (1 Thess 5v 18) so it seemed a more godly response to the current situation. So, I started to be thankful. Thankful for the Vicar's boiler suit I was wearing, protecting most of me ( I had thought about wearing my pink shower cap as well, which to be honest would have helped a lot, but I just couldn't run the risk of an unexpected visitor, it does happen you know). I was thankful for my hand pump pressure washer ( it probably has a proper name, but can't remember what it is!), I was thankful to have the time to do the job ( the kind Vicar had taken the girls out for a milkshake, and the boy was having his forty winks). I was thankful for being able to have chickens, because I really rather like it, and I was thankful in faith for the abundance of eggs I'm going to be getting soon. I was thankful for chicken poo because it makes great manure, and I was thankful that it stinks because then I know whether I have some on my shoe. I was thankful for Vaseline, which is my new secret weapon in the fight, (smear it on the ends of the perches and they get stuck, he he he!  (thank you lady at Farm and Country for the tip)). Oh, there was much to be thankful for! While doing this, by oldest poppet asked me why God had made flies, we couldn't think of any sort of benefit to them and I have to say the creation of red mite rather baffles me as well. I didn't quite get around to being thankful for them!

While I was waiting for the hen house to dry I started to dig up the potatoes, something else on my 'to do' list. They were small but beautiful and not as worm eaten as last year, which were disastrous. Everything else in the veg plot, bar a few raspberries plants have been a complete write off. The slugs got everything right at the beginning. It was unwise of them to eat everything so early really, if they had let it grow a bit they would have had a lot more to eat. Oh well, they obviously haven't thought through the principle of delayed gratification. Actually, much of the time, neither have I.

So, the hen house is dried, diatom and Vaseline applied in abundance. The chooks have been drinking garlic water for days (the red mite don't like the taste of garlic chicken, not sure what they think of lemon...), and have been dusted with anti mite powder. Now we wait and see. It is one woman against half a million red mite, fighting on behalf of four chickens. Having done all that, I imagine my new chooks just lining up to roost in their sparkling home. But no, dusk arrives and they are not interested at all. I physically put them in, but they back out and jump back on the roof of their other shelter, not proper chicken behaviour at all. They remind me a lot of my middle poppet, who also jumps right out whenever she is tucked in. Sleep training is obviously not a strong point for me, we'll try again tomorrow.

Anyway, I was pleased to have taken the time to be thankful. It was rather more fun than being grumpy, and there was much to be thankful for that I could have missed. I guess the ways of our Heavenly Father are the wisest, even when they don't come to us most naturally.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thess 5v 16-18

I'm happy with what I have!

A few weeks ago I wrote about God speaking to me about significantly slimming down our family stuff, our physical stuff, our material junk. Well, its been a busy week on the 'being the Vicar's wife' front but slowly but surely I have been slimming down! Honestly, hundreds of pounds (of weight) of stuff has gone and I feel so much healthier! If only losing fat was this easy and joyful! There is a long way to go, this is not going to happen overnight, but I am beginning to notice the difference already and realising the truth of 'less is more'. I'm am feeling freer about 'stuff' in a way that I didn't expect, at least not this quickly. I am also enjoying what we have more as well, especially while playing with the children. I am wondering if this is because I feel God has asked me to do this. This is more than my normal clear out, it is a spiritual exercise and it has spiritual consequences. I have stored up treasures on earth, and they have distracted me from seeking first the Kingdom of God ( Matt 6v19ff), and they are now in the process of going. It is good for me.

The thing is, as much as I love decluttering,  the real point is I don't want to have to do it again for a long time. The challenge is really about changing my relationship with stuff, and my desire for it. I had thought that because I don't really like shopping in conventional shops I wasn't really materialistic. How wrong was I! My trouble is, I love a bargain. Doesn't really matter what it is, but I'm like a sniffer dog after blood! Give me a charity shop, garage sale, Home Bargains (such a fab shop!) and best of all a car boot sale and I'm on high alert for stuff we 'need'. To be fair on myself I have got better at not bring home total rubbish, and often I find gems which save us money but I am an expert at bringing home a lot of bargains, I just can't resist! "50p, a bargain, I must buy!" (My dear eldest daughter (7), who is so much more sensible about this than me has said to me on more than one occasion, "No mummy, don't buy it, we don't need it, we already have loads of those"). Trouble is because its all so cheap I can acquire loads of stuff without spending loads of money. This is what has fooled me into thinking I wasn't into 'stuff'! So, I can get a lot of stuff for a fiver, I mean bags and bags. And it all mounts up in my house. Ick, ick!

So my new mantra, which has made such a difference these last few weeks has been 'I'm happy with what I have!'. I don't have to look for more stuff, even bargains because I'm happy with what I have. I have walked passed our local charity shops countless times thinking 'I'm happy with what I have' and the desire to go in has just died, gone. Wonderful. 'Ah, instead, I shall go home and play with by little boy', and I have, and it was fun. I have unsubscribed to all the emails which would tempt me with discounts galore because I'm happy with what I have ( which to be honest I never succumbed to but for some reason would always want to read. How many minutes, nay, hours have I spent reading about discounts offers? Honestly, it just doesn't make sense, be gone, thief of time! However, I am now trying not to feel lonely without a full inbox, they felt like friends, oh the deceit!). Sale catalogues go from the door mat to the bin with one easy move. Don't you dare suck my time! And most significantly of all I have stayed in bed until gone 7 on a Saturday morning, which means I did not go to the boot sale. Hallelujah! Strongholds are being broken! I do not need the bargain, I am happy with what I have!

Believe me, we have a long way to go, we are still overrun with stuff, to the point it is hard to use. For example, I yanked open the apron drawer the other day, and pulled out over 12 wedged in aprons, 12! None of them really used because it was so tricky to get them in and out of the drawer. Trouble is they were all rather lovely or held memories or 'might be useful for a particular occasion' (which probably will never happen, 'the imaginary moment', the most significant excuse I have for keeping stuff). However, I ignored my fanciful emotions and I have now passed on six of them, and because I can open the drawer we are now using the remaining aprons, and are all cleaner as a result. Result. Less is more. This scenario can be repeated throughout my house.

The Vicar is also finding joy in this, which is joy for me too. He had a good clear out of his books the other day and gave loads of them away (He actually doesn't really have much he calls his own ( who needs stuff when you have an iPad?), but  he does have lots of books). What was really cool was they were good books, not rubbish books. There was something really wonderful to give away stuff we still valued, hoping it would bless someone else. Personally I struggle to let books go, its like giving away knowledge, I wanted to put them all back on the shelf, 'just in case', but I watched and learnt, and it was good.

My desire to simplify really comes down to a desire to be able to be more focused on Jesus and His Kingdom. My desire for stuff, my acquiring, handling, tidying and sorting of it has stolen a lot of time from me. Time I could be doing other things, seeking Him, doing His will, focusing on my family. I don't really love my stuff, but it has been a huge distraction, and I don't want it any more. I asked Jesus to show me how to clear my mind to make more space for Him and this is what He has shown me. I love Jesus, I want more of Him, so the rest is easy.

Food for thought!

Today I cleaned out my fridge. I threw away 6 old tomatoes, a slice of deli counter ham, half a slimy  red pepper, a stinky filet of salmon (felt really bad about that one!), a couple of cracked eggs (I felt sad but not bad about that one, our chickens are laying eggs with really thin shells at the moment, and many don't reach the kitchen in one piece, I'm on to it though!), and a whole carton of  out of date double cream.  I then repented. I would like to say that this is the first time I have thrown food away, but to my shame I have done it many times before, many times. Many many times. I wish that I were the only one who does this awful wasteful thing, but I know I am not alone in this. Apparently in the UK we throw away 7.2 million tonnes of food and drink every year, an average of 120kg of food each. That cost us a lot of money, probably about £12 billion. (www.lovefoodhatewaste.com). The thing is I have really been trying to cut down our food waste, I'm quite conscious of it, and have become much better.  I'm just not there yet at being really good at valuing food, at keeping tabs on what is lurking at the back of the fridge.

The other day I received an email from Tearfund about the famine in West Africa, I clicked on the link and saw a mother feeding her children dried leaves because she had nothing else. I wept. Can you imagine having nothing except dried leaves to feed your children? The image keeps coming back to me. I pray that none of her children will die of starvation but about 25, 000 people die of starvation every day. No doubt she loves her children as much as I love mine. If she lived next door I would invite her in and share what we have, out of our abundance. It would change our lives, it would mean less for us, but there would be enough to go around because there is plenty, you can only eat so much, after all.

We live close to the London Olympic site and will hopefully be having some family members of athletes come to stay in our home in a few weeks during the Olympics. As a church we support a number of children through Compassion in Ethiopia, and so to strengthen our link with that beautiful but impoverished country we are hoping, along with a few other church families, to host Ethiopian's. I have begun to wonder what they will make of our lifestyle, my wasteful indulgence, my Christian faith. I want to invite them in, in the name of my Lord Jesus, but I am afraid that I am not reflecting who He is, that I am not living the way He has called me to and that I am not reflecting His glory.

My heart is being reawakened to a passion that the Lord gave me at university when I first read 'Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger' by Ronald Sider (my essay on it was highly passionate and one sided and I got an awful mark, but it completely changed my life), and I am grateful, I am beginning to feel alive again, like my purpose has been revealed. It is growing stronger within me and I am trying to figure out what it looks like to obey Jesus' teaching to feed the hungry, to have concern and compassion for those on the edges of society, for justice. To live prophetically in the midst of vast consumerism which I have swam with for too long. To be a doer of the Word rather than just a hearer.  The Vicar is concerned that I may never smile again under the weight of it all, but I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and that my heart rejoices to find its calling. I'm trying to figure it out, and it isn't easy, but it feels the right wrestling match to be having.

For now, my gratefulness to God for His rich generosity towards my family has gone through the roof. I pray that we will be good stewards of His blessings and in turn be a blessing to others.

Family Discipleship - 8.27am Part One

This morning, I kicked myself in the same place I always kick myself at 8.27am. We are trying to leave the house. The Vicar and I are rushing around in a state of panic, trying to find reading books, brush hair, persuade the girls to put their shoes on, and their coats, and "by the way, have you brushed your teeth and washed your faces, No? Go, go go, now quickly, do it, we'll be late!" "WHAT!!! You haven't put your pants on, I can't believe you haven't put your pants on, what will they think of me if you go to school without pants on, go, go, go, go find pants NOW, I said NOW!" "Where is your brother? Drenched in apple juice? Oh. How bad is it? Really bad. Ok". Quick change, 8.27am and onto second outfit of the day!

In the middle of it all I kick myself. Why didn't I prepare better the night before? If I was organised it would be sooo much better. I say this every day. I am frustrated by my own lack of discipline. We've never actually been late for school, and don't often forget things, but just, you know, the process is not very satisfactory, not always very holy. However, today I say it for real, and throughout the day I make a mental list of ways to improve our mornings. I want to train our children in the way they should go ( Proverbs 22v6). I fear that the dear Proverbs 31 'woman of noble character' wouldn't have this much stress getting her children out the door and I don't want my children to think this frantic nervous racing around when patience is stretched and tempers frayed is the way to go! (Although Proverbs 31 woman did have servant girls, which I'm sure must help! A lot.).

So, tonight I did something I don't often do. I prepared the book bags. I didn't want to, in fact I had to force myself to (confession: I fell asleep while praying and woke up feeling groggy as anything, yuck). But I had wanted to mean what I said this morning, so prepared the book bags I did. It took ages. Preparing the book bags involved...

a) I filled out three forms,  2 for school dinners and 1 for music lessons, and wrote three cheques (total £170). Put them in envelopes, wrote the wrong names on them, crossed them out and wrote the right names on ( when I say the wrong names, they were still my children's names, just swapped around. If you thought that you really needed to pray for me then, please do it anyway, all prayer gratefully received!). Unfortunately I make Executive Decisions about all of the above, no time for negotiations. School dinners everyday. Eldest Poppet can learn recorder. I feel a bit guilty about this, and just hope that she really wants to learn the recorder.

b) I filled out two school reading diaries ( having heard them both read, of course!).

c) I found one CD - very important. Tomorrow is the auditions for the talent contest and without the CD they couldn't do their 'thing', and I would be in Big Trouble. They are going to sing and dance to 'Great Big God', go our little evangelists! Last year, my eldest Poppet won the talent show with her friend, singing and dancing to 'Ace Foundation, I'll build my life on Jesus' to the whole school, how cool is that! (very proud Mum moment).

d) I make notes in my diary about various dates and 'don't forgets' to go with them.

e) I scan the kitchen for junk modelling resources in response to a letter from school and decide that at this moment in time, it is a step too far. If I have time in the morning, I'll sort through the bin and find something to send into school.

f) I almost ditch a letter about what 5yr old Poppet is doing at school this term, but then feel guilty and decide to read it instead, it will after all probably be my main source of information about what she is doing at school, because she likes to keep it a secret. Ah yes, topics for the term 'People who help us', I remember now that she asked me for a book about the police to take into school this morning (8.28am to be exact 'Darling, if you need something to take into school, you need to ask me before now, OK?).

At this moment, 5yr old Poppet appears at the doorway, its 9:45pm. She explains to me in the sweetest voice that because she slept in the car for 5 minutes yesterday, and she slept last night, she is "all puffed out from sleeping, and doesn't need to sleep anymore". "Oh, ok, come on lets find 'Topsy and Tim meet the Police". After 20 mins of searching it goes into her book bag. (Praying 'Dear Lord, please help me find the 'Topsy and Tim meet the police' book, felt slightly akin to the car parking space prayer, but sometimes these things are important and the Lord knows that, I'm so glad He is into details!).

 g) Finally, I found the sun hats, just in case it is sunny. They must have them. Of course, they must have their rain coats as well, just in case it is raining (this seems more likely, it is July after all!) What on earth are they going to do if it snows!

So, finally I complete the book bag preparation. I will be grateful in the morning. There were a list of about 12 other things that I could do to ease the 'getting out of the door' panic, but I'm going to introduce them one at a time, otherwise I'll be up until two, will accidentally sleep in in the morning, and we'll all be late late late for school. And wouldn't that be stressful!

Our common theme is Jesus!

Buns are selling out fast at the wholesalers as 3 different women dump literally hundreds into their trolleys, looking as though they are about to re-enact the feeding of the 5,000, only without the miracle part, (now wouldn't that make catering easier!). 'It's our church BBQ this weekend' I say to one lady, by way of explanation for the contents of my trolley, 'Oh, ours too!' she replies. The third lady gave a knowing smile as though she too had been tasked with The Shopping for her church BBQ. My son (2) is 'helpfully' passing up the buns and I get worried that he is going to get squashed by a laden trolley in what is now a very cramped corner of the warehouse. The task is slow but finally we are pleased that our sell by dates are reasonable and that our sausage/burger/bap/finger roll ratio is satisfactory given that we are guessing the numbers of people who will be there depending on whether the sun is out or not - it is a complex equation. If we had visited the bun corner only minutes later there may have been none left and that would have constituted a Big Problem, phew!

The Vicar and I

I love many things about being married to the Vicar (as well as loving the Vicar, of course), and one of the them is being able to open my house and garden to our Church family. Today a good chunk of our church got together for the BBQ in the Vicarage garden. The garden was packed with people chatting, playing, eating and laughing. Friendships are being made and deepened. All generations are represented and are interacting together. People from many nations are present. Our backgrounds, our intellects, our bank accounts, our marital status have no particular common theme. Our common theme is Jesus, He has wooed each of us and won us by His love. His love is unconditional and is extended to all who will take hold of it. That is why we are family. Each of us has been adopted by our dear heavenly Father, and we are in the family that bears His name. We are all children of God, how awesome is that! In all our diversity He is our common theme.

I'm sure the ladies I linked eyes with at the wholesalers also had a great time at their BBQs. They're part of the family as well, you know. Our family is a big one, really big, joyously big. All over the world big.  But we long for others to come join us, we're hungry for new brothers and sisters to come and get adopted too. There are many rooms in my Father's house, and He wants to prepare one for you.

I looked around today and I thanked God for the privilege of having such an amazing family, it warms my heart so much, (especially when they help with the clearing up at the end of the day, which they did, brilliantly.) Thanks y'all! Love ya!

How are your BELLS?

Every Wednesday a wonderful group of ladies gather around my kitchen table for a simple soup lunch together. It is a time of laughter, connecting, sharing our lives, relaxing and occasional tears. It is a great blessing to me (and I hope to those who join me), to be surrounded by other women who long to bring Jesus into every area of their lives and together to encourage one another, pray together and support each other.

After eating we get down to the joyously serious stuff. This half term we are talking about BELLS, and I'm excited about it! "A whole half term about BELLS? How do you stretch such a subject so far?" Let me explain. It's a discipleship tool the Vicar came home with from a conference the other day. My dear ladies are used to my having ideas and trying them out on them, so I thought I would give it a go.

So, you take some of your core values as a group and turn them into observable behaviours. If you can then turn them into a word you will remember then that is very helpful, I have been thinking about BELLS all week. To be honest, we have just used the behaviours the Vicar came home with from the conference, to get us going quickly, but we may think of our own ones in time. We then use our time on a Wednesday, after some worship, to reflect on how we have done with our observable behaviours. The spirit of it is, of course, not to just tick boxes, but to use it as a tool for us to grow in relationship with God. So, this is what BELLS means to us...

Bless - the core value is loving one another, so we seek to bless someone in the church, someone outside the church, and then either someone in or out of the church. It can be anything, a little blessing or a big blessing!

Eat - the core value is hospitality, so we seek to eat with someone in the church, someone out of the church, and someone either in or out of the church. We are intentional about being with others, honouring them and inviting them into our lives. Its amazing how much time Jesus spent eating with people, it must be important! (In fact,  in our Wednesday group I feel we have grown a lot together just by starting to eat together).

Listen - we want to be humble and listen to what our Heavenly Father wants to say to us, so we seek to spend an hour a week in contemplative prayer, listening to Him, rather than bringing our requests. It can be a whole hour but equally it can be six lots of ten minutes.

Learn - a sermon on Sunday is not enough to feed us, so we feed ourselves with God's Word daily. We are always reading a Gospel, we want to be more like Jesus, so its great to keep our focus on Him. Then we are also reading another book of the Bible and then any other book which will edify us (doesn't have to be a Christian one). We read as much as suits us, no pressure. We might chew on a couple of verses for days, or gallop through a book in one reading. All cool!

Sent - we are sent out into the world to be a light, to be about our Father's business, doing what He asks us to do. So we reflect and journal (to help us process and remember), ideally each day, and we ask ourselves these questions - 'Where did I work with Jesus today?' and 'Where did I resist Jesus today?'. I gave everyone a note book for journalling in to help get us started (mine was quickly covered with Cath Kidston gift wrap, it makes me smile and helps me hang out with it!).

It is early days, but I have seen my group really begin to grasp this. Wonderfully, it is equally challenging for those who have been Christians 30 years, or 3 months. When we share together about our joys and difficulties with our BELLS from the previous week we can mentor each other and encourage each other. We feel safe to say we have failed, because that is when we learn together. We can pool our bible knowledge to understand a passage we might have found tricky. We might be inspired to know how someone had blessed another, 'if she can do it, perhaps I can!' Struggling to understand how to listen to God? 'Here is how I do it, perhaps it might help'. The possibilities for the discussions and learning from one another are endless, and all the while we are each all growing throughout the week. Oh, and lets pray for each other about all of this, and when we see each other during the week ask 'How are your BELLS? What fun!

Making Space for Jesus

This week I have begun a good old clear out, something I love to do! However this time it comes with a spiritual dimension, which has added to my joy in throwing out, giving away, recycling and freecycling. For a while now my mental space has been growing smaller, you know, that space where you get to dream and pray and get excited about something, and pray and plan and dream some more, and then perhaps even put it all into action. I used to do that a lot, all the time. But somehow the mundane but important has begun to take up all my dreaming space, my hearing from God space. We all have to do it, shop, cook, tidy,  clean (well, I think about that more than actually do it!), fill out forms for school, tidy, help with homework, iron school uniform, tidy, find shoes, its endless, endless, and somehow I struggle to think of much else. I know there is another world out there, but I just can't seem to reach it!

Anyway, I finally got around to asking the Lord what I should do about it, if He had any wisdom on this matter for me. And yes, straight away He began to remind me about not storing up for ourselves treasures on earth (Matt 6v19-21). Oh, how I have stored up stuff! I might not have considered it treasure, but how I have sorted it out, tidied it, looked for it when it was missing, bid for it, hidden it away in places until it was needed, kept it 'just in case', moved it all again, shopped for it, imagined times when I would have plenty of time to use it and so kept it for that special day. Suddenly I realised just how much my stuff has stolen from me, my time mainly, but also my energy, money and sometimes my patience ("Am I the only one that actually puts things away around here, grrrr, grrrr, grrrr"). Whenever I see something in the wrong place (all the time!), or a bit missing to a game it (very often!) it occupies some of my mental space and robs me of some of my energy. 

Later in the passage, v 21, it says 'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also'. I had always thought 'heart' meant strong desire towards something, something I really love. And I didn't think I really loved my stuff in that way. However, I have learnt that 'heart' can also mean 'mind'. Yes, I realise that my mind is on my stuff a lot, I don't want it to be, because I don't really love most of it, but just by the sheer volume of stuff we have it requires far too much of my attention, attention that I would rather be giving to 'seeking first the kingdom of God', in whatever form that takes for me. 

So, this time its serious. A lot of stuff is going. And a new attitude is arriving. An attempt to flow against the consumerist tide that we swim in. Already my head feels a little clearer, already Jesus has begun to plant a new dream in me, just for me. It feels so much better!